Loneliness

My birthday was a couple weeks ago. I’m 28 now. It sounds so… old. No more hiding behind the “mid-20’s” moniker; it’s squarely late 20’s now. As G. so adamantly puts it, “you’re half way to 56!” Thanks. I had a birthday party this year, first time in, well, years. Actually since I moved out, I guess. I mean, my parents always have a cake and what-not, but my sisters were born three days before me (actually 2 years – 3 days later, but you understand), so it’s always been a cake with lots of candles and names. So this year I had a party. And while there wasn’t a piñata, there were tasty appetizers, wine and people.

Ah, people. That’s what I’ve been missing. Working for CC is a mixed blessing. I love what I’m doing, and I love that I actually believe in what I’m doing, but I hate working from home. It’s so… isolated. I know, it’s supposed to be the holy grail of the Internet-enabled world. But really, working in your bathrobe is incredibly overrated. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been dealing with depression for the past 18 months or so. A year of therapy and one little pill a day has kept things mostly at bay. But when the sun sets at 5:15 and you realize that you watched it come up and set from the same position at your desk, it can be a little unsettling. When the only people you see are in classes at school, and they’re all nearly a decade younger, you begin to feel a little disconnected.

I know that in reality my life is pretty cushy: I have a good job, I have a partner who loves me, and I have a dog who’s incredibly loyal (even if she does like to poop in the basement on occasion). But like many people (I hope), reality doesn’t stop me from idealizing the past or other possible situations. I do it a lot: I idealize my first stab at college, my time as a DJ at a local gay bar, and fantasize that somehow moving out of Indiana (even just Fort Wayne) would solve all my problems. I know you can’t go back, I accept that as truth, as fact, but it doesn’t stop me from dreaming.

As I analyze what I really miss, it becomes obvious why those times and my birthday party seem so good: people. Friends. Companionship. Its not fair to G or realistic to expect him to fulfill all my social and emotional needs. And yet I feel really lost when it comes to expanding my circle of friends. How did I used to do it? How did I meet people, hang out, and not feel like a complete ass? Who knows.

Re-reading this post I can’t decide if it sounds needy or honest. I don’t know that I care. I just know that something needs to change, some improvement needs to be made, because the raw, empty, isolated feeling is too much to accept indefinitly.

Postscript: If you live in Fort Wayne, have more than a passing interest in the intersection of culture and technology, and are slightly misanthropic, drop me a line. We just might hit it off.

date:2004-12-01 17:24:00
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category:my life